Fresh aproach

Hey friends, thanks for checking in!  I know it has been quite a while since I wrote.  As the year 2021 drew to a close, I spent time reflecting on all that happened… and didn’t happen.  Now settling into 2022, I find myself wanting to put into writing where I see movement in the direction my life is taking.  I recently pulled a oracle card entitled ‘Fresh Approach.’  Seems my intuition was leading me there, inviting me to step out of an old mindset and challenging me to try something new.  So here goes…   

Last year was a time of soul searching and growing.  I did not buy a house as I had planned.  I believe I had some ‘inner work’ to do that was more important than meeting a financial milestone, home ownership, any goal in particular.  Nothing grabbed my attention quite like the fact that my son, Seven, is becoming a teenager.  That meant I needed to grow into the role of being a teenager’s mom.  Yikes – how does that work?  He is pushing his boundaries and, at times, my buttons.  He sees me, and I want what reflects back at him to be an image we can both feel good about.

This brought me back to my own teen years. A typical mix of experiences, some painful, others blissfully happy – all of them played a part in shaping who I am today.  Mostly I remember the good.  Growing up in the foothills of rural Virginia, my back yard was both my playground and my escape, as was the surrounding forest, where to this day, I still remember every tree.

The lessons I learned from my grandparents, who lived a short 5-minute car ride away, have stayed with me.  They had a thriving greenhouse and garden where I spent many an afternoon learning how to be a hard worker.  Saturday mornings I remember waking up at 4 a.m. to take their goodies to the farmers’ market in the distant city of Lynchburg.   

My mother’s parents lived a couple of hours away, so I didn’t get to see them as much. But during my teens, I would spend summer weeks with them and my cousins helping on their tobacco farm.  There is nothing like a good hard day’s work where you can literally see the hard work wash down the shower! 

Teaching Seven balance between his roles of being a student, a son, a brother, I am reminded of the one role that I hope never leaves him – being a child.

When I went away for college, I loved coming back and visiting them.  They were always so proud of me. I was so blessed to have two sets of wonderful grandparents. I would not trade my childhood for anything.  Of the many life lessons they taught me, I see the thread of kindness woven through all of them – and not just in how we treat each other, but in the gentle, caring way we nurture plants in the garden, crops in the fields, and in the respect we show the earth when we walk in the woods and protect all that grows and lives there.      

I wish I could give these experiences to my son. But how to accomplish that when his world is cluttered with electronic screens, screens everywhere – smart phones and computers and television!? As much as I want him to be independent and choose the “right path,” I want him to be curious and explore. I know he will make mistakes, but he will also learn valuable lessons. Teaching Seven balance between his roles of being a student, a son, a brother, I am reminded of the one role that I hope never leaves him – being a child. I don’t mean that he shouldn’t mature, take on new responsibilities, and accountability for his actions. No, what I want is for him to hold on to his sense of playfulness, telling jokes, laughing out loud, being silly, running just for the sheer joy of moving fast! He has reminded me of this so much this past week.    

I feel myself craving balance between all the roles I play. As I catch a glimpse of the notebook on Seven’s bed, inscribed “I’m watching you,” in blood, the mother in me pauses and notices, but does nothing more than give him “the look.” As I try to carry out a business call on the phone, my son’s antics involving our cat, Crowley, hopelessly captured in the clothes basket would normally have me in stitches. Instead of enjoying the good-natured fun, I mutter under my breath, “Don’t they know I’m trying to conduct important business?” And later, Seven nudges me to go outside and play basketball – for a second time that day. With muscles still aching from our first round, I say, “No.” What ever happened to me being playful, being present with all that’s going on in the moment? When did I lose this?

I need to tune in to the moment, experience the now, and focus less on figuring out the grand plan.  As the poet, Rumi, said – “Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”  My inner child is begging to come out.  

Little reminders, each seemingly small and insignificant on their own, but are they?  They’ve reminded me to play more and be more present.  Fuck the goals and the to-do list.  I need playtime in my day. I need to find some pranks to play on Seven.  I need to tune in to the moment, experience the now, and focus less on figuring out the grand plan.  As the poet, Rumi, said – “Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”  My inner child is begging to come out.  

A new friend who I met this past year, and became instant besties with, came by recently with a great idea.  She suggested that we all write down who we wanted to be a year from now.  Even Seven got in on the action.  My writing didn’t exactly take off like a firecracker, I found myself looking at my to do list, my goals for 2022 instead of how I as a person wanted to grow.  Duh!  After a little time to rest and contemplate, the next day I found my focus, what was I struggling with… Harmony.  Being in the Moment.  Playing.

Something about writing down who I want to be by 2023 seemed to plant this vision inside my being, where I can nurture it and see it come to light. 

I am powerful. I use my wisdom to heal my body. I am peace. I am calm. I make wise choices. I am brave.

I flow with nature.  I see all experiences as opportunities to learn. I live in the moment and enjoy who is around me. I love and I am loved in return.

I am in balance with Jason, and our relationship grows more healthy and intertwined as we continue to love and support one another toward our dreams.

I am a wise mother to Seven.  I provide guidance.  He sees my love and support and treats me with kindness and respect.  He finds his passion and understands why I work so hard.  He keeps reminding me to play.  I play. I am curious.

My work portfolio grows in a healthy, steady flow. I am in harmony with my work life and living life. I make wise decisions that help bring more peace and calmness.

I treat my body with love and respect and make wise choices. I spend quality time with my friends and continue to love and support them.